I have been living in Gainesville, GA for about 2 months now and I am in love with this place. I live in a cabin in the woods (it sounds creepy, but it’s the best) with 9 other girls. I am no longer a pizza master, but now a chicken salad chick girl at… (drum roll)… Chicken Salad Chick!
This first couple months of classes at CGA I have learned about failure, servant leadership, spiritual disciplines, intimacy, emotional health, identity, and vulnerability in community.
These first couple of months have been very focused on knowing yourself. It has been hard. Discovering my true self, why I do the things I do, and making choices on my own has been difficult. Through getting to understand myself better though, I have began to know the rawness of God better. Our God is raw. He is real. I am raw. I am real.
This past week, we had a teaching over processing pain. One of our teachers asked, “Does God gives us pain?”
Could a loving, perfect, and blameless God intend for us to feel pain? How could a God who claims He loves us unconditionally, also allow for us to feel pain?
God created the world, knowing that we would sin. He knew. He still created us. He knew a world with pain would be better than without pain. How does this make sense?
All these are still questions I am still trying to answer. My whole life I have ran from feeling any sort of pain. I wanted to be happy and carefree and funny all the time. Who would want to feel pain? What good could come from pain? Without the darkness, there is no light. The ability to choose love in a world filled with pain is what makes it so beautiful.
Right now, I am walking in a season of alot of pain and confusion. I am relearning who I am. I am building up a complete new foundation of my worth and identity. I am in the battle. I don’t like pain. Everything inside my flesh is telling me to run away from it. But God is telling me to feel it all and to push into these hard times. He is holding my hand and guiding me. I am choosing to trust Him in this painful process even when I cannot feel Him. I hold onto the truth that He is a good Father who knows what is best for me. I am holding onto the unconditional love of a God who knows every single raw and ugly thing about me yet still chooses to call me His own child. I am building up a solid foundation built on His truth.
So yes, I believe it is possible for God to give us pain. But it doesn’t just end there. With that pain, He gives comfort and purpose. He is the light in the darkness. He is the small glimpse of hope when all I want to do is run away and give up.
To sum all these thoughts up, CGA has been such a vulnerable and growing season so far. I am so thankful I get to be here, learning, blooming, experiencing, and falling more and more in love with my Creator.
This blog is kind of all over the place. But I’m kind of all over the place. There is no where else I would rather be though. Thank you for all the support, prayers, and donations each of you have given to me. Thank you for believing in me and allowing this all to be possible.
